Blood Stains
by PsychedelicCowgirl
Summary: Buck offers some words of comfort and wisdom to a guilt ridden JD after the fight at the Seminole village. One shot. No slash.


_Disclaimer__: I don't own anything and I'm not making any profit, just having fun. _

The landscape was barren; nothing but a vast, empty desert. There were no plants, no animals, not even rocks, just desert stretching out as far as the eye could see in every direction. And JD was in the middle of it, completely alone. He looked around in confusion trying to get his bearings and figure out exactly where he was. He'd never been here, wherever here was, before and oddly he had no memory of how he'd get here now. Well, whatever this place was he couldn't just stay where he was and if he started walking surely he'd get somewhere eventually. He wondered which direction he should go but then realized it probably didn't matter. It didn't appear that there would be much difference one way or the other, so JD just started walking.

JD was't sure how long he'd been walking but it felt like an entirety, and still nothing had changed. Stopping suddenly, JD looked around with a frustrated huff. He was starting to get irritated and a little unnerved. This wasn't natural. There should be something out here. Even if there were no other people there should be a lizard or a scorpion or something. But there wasn't, there was only this vast nothingness. The more he thought about that the more nervous he felt himself getting. Finally, hoping he could find another living soul in this wasteland, JD called out, at least he tried to. Panic began to set in when realized that not only was he alone but his voice was gone too. And what was going on?

JD was breathing heavily, trying to get a handle on his fear when the roaring started. It was a howling like a high wind, only JD couldn't feel or see any effects of actual wind. Once again he tried to yell and once again his voice was silent, but the roar continued to grow in intensity. Alone, confused, and scared JD did the only thing he could think of and ran. He ran until the roar, which had became almost deafening, abruptly ended.

JD slide to a stop, bewildered and a bit apprehensive by the absolute quiet that had settled over...this place. Somehow the silence was a thousand times worse than the roaring had been and JD felt the icy fingers of fear clawing at him again. He had to get out of here. Desperately he looked around, hoping to find an escape. Just as before nothing had seemed to change, then a slight movement in his peripheral vision. Whirling, JD sought out whatever or whoever he'd seen and soon he saw a figure emerging from the horizon.

JD watched the figure came closer, his apprehension growing. He knew he should be glad to see another person out here but for some reason he felt threatened by man, if it was a man. It wasn't long before it become obvious that the figure was indeed a man and despite his nerves, JD tried to yell again. He still didn't have a voice and although he'd been half expecting that, JD felt his anxiety spike. Feeling a need to get away from the man, he tried to take a step back only to find he could no longer move either. Frozen in place JD watched in mute horror as the person drew nearer, and realized with a sinking feeling that he knew this man. It was the man he had killed today, the man he'd been so close to he'd seen the life leave his eyes. And those lifeless eyes were now holding JD in an iron grip.

_Killer. _The voice didn't come from the man but rather seemed to echo all around him, much like the roaring had earlier. _Killer!_ Over and over the word was repeated, growing steadily louder until it reached an almost painful level. _Killer! Killer! _The voice was talking about him. He was a killer now.

JD moved to cover his ears, desperate to block out the terrible accusation that was hitting him again and again and again, but stopped short when he raised his hands. Both of them were now covered in blood. Horrified, JD stared at his hands, unable to look away as the blood ran down his hands in rivulets, dripping to the sand beneath him. He began to shake his head. No, he wasn't a killer. He had been right in what he did. But those thoughts didn't stop the voice. Over and over the word landed on him like a blow. _Killer! Killer! _Unable to bear it any longer JD throw his hands over his ears. "No!"

* * *

JD jerked awake, his breath coming in heaves. It was over. It was just a dream. He was fine. He felt a sob building and quickly clamped his hand over his mouth to muffle it. He would not humiliate himself in front of the others by bursting into tears because of an unpleasant dream. And he was hoping against hope that he hadn't actually cried out when he woke up.

Rolling over on his side JD forced himself to relax. It had just been a dream. There was no ghost creeping towards him, no wind howling, no condemning voices, and no blood dripping off his hands. He was fine. For several minutes he played those facts over in his head like a mantra but the memories of the nightmare refused to fade. He could still hear the echoing voice calling him a killer. Was that what he was now? He'd hoped when he left Boston that he would do something out here that would have made Mama proud; she wouldn't have been proud of a killer. Unable to lie still any longer JD got up from his bedroll left the camp as quickly and as quietly as he could.

Reaching a point that was still within the village but well away from anyone else JD flopped to the ground and propped his forehead on his knees. This afternoon immediately after fight he been feeling on top of the world, then the high had started to fade and the guilt had started to grow. The whiskey had helped with that, kind of, but now that was gone too and he was just scared. Scared and covered in blood. JD swallowed hard as the sight of the blood stained hands from his dream came back to him. If this was what being a gunfighter was all about Mr. Larabee was right; he wasn't the type. He didn't belong here; here with these men, living this life. A chill ran through his body and JD wrapped his arms around himself, miserably. He should have left when he'd been given the chance. Left before he had become a killer.

* * *

A sharp cry pulled Buck from his sleep. It was cut off quickly, but he heard it plain enough and he knew who it had come from. The kid had been having a rough time tonight and Buck was guessing the horror of his first fight had followed him to bed. He rolled over just enough to see where JD lay and found the boy curled up in a tight ball. Buck felt a pang of sympathy for the young man. He remembered that feeling; the feeling that came when the realization that a man was dead because of you really sunk in.

He watched the kid for a while, although he wasn't sure why. It wasn't like he could really do anything for him but Buck couldn't quite bring himself to just forget about JD's struggle. Several minutes went by without another sound coming from JD and Buck was starting to think he must have fallen asleep again when JD suddenly rolled from his bedroll and hurriedly left the camp. Buck had a brief moment of indecision before he got up himself. It wasn't that he was worried exactly; the kid had proven he wasn't completely helpless, but he was still a greenhorn and Buck didn't want him running off and doing something stupid. Besides, the kid shouldn't have to face this alone, not when there was someone who could help him.

As Buck headed off in the direction the kid had gone he made no attempt to be quiet, and when he finally spotted JD's hunched over form he tried to make even more noise. The kid was having a rough enough time without someone sneaking up on him. As he came up from behind Buck slapped his hat on JD's shoulder. "You all right, Kid?" He asked, keeping his voice light.

JD whipped his head around and attempted to smile. "Yeah. I'm – I'm fine."

Even in the darkness it was plain that the boy was anything but fine. Buck eased down on the ground next to him and stared off into the same darkness JD seemed to find so fascinating. "There's no shame in feeling the way you do." He finally said. Buck had known the second he'd heard JD's comment about seeing the man's eyes the kid would have hard time coming to terms with what had happened today. Funny thing about battle was it was always harder, messier, and more frightening than anyone could ever imagine.

JD forced a chuckle. "What?"

Buck almost rolled his eyes. The kid was playing stupid but Buck would let him for now. "The guilt. The fear. We've all been there. No one's gonna think less of you because of it."

JD turned away. He wanted to believe that but the fact was, as far as he could tell no one else was losing any sleep tonight. "Does it ever get easier?" He finally asked quietly.

"The killing?" JD gave a minute nod. "You better hope it don't."

JD turned back sharply. He'd better hope not. What was that supposed to mean? If every fight was going to leave him feeling like this then Chris had been right, he wasn't the kind and he'd be better off heading back to Boston as soon as he could, because he couldn't live like this. "What's that mean?" He demanded.

"Hold on." Buck said, trying to placate him. "Don't go getting your back all up." JD gave him a look but feel quiet. Buck took a breath before continuing. "See, killing's easy for a man like the colonel. He would have rode through here today and gunned down every man, woman, and child in this village without a second thought to get what he wanted. And I guarantee you it wouldn't have bothered him tonight. It's people like that that the killing comes easy for. You never want the killing to be easy. But it will get easier to live with it."

"And how do you live with it?"

"By telling yourself you're doing the right thing." JD sighed heavily. "Why are you here?"

"What?"

"Why are you here?" Buck repeated slowly.

"To protect the village?" JD offered.

"That's right. We're here to protect those who can't protect themselves. I've killed men before, JD, and I came here knowing I was going to have to kill again to save these people, but if the colonel had rode away today without a shot being fired, I wouldn't have minded. I didn't get up this morning wanting to kill anybody, but I fought today because these people have the right to live their lives in peace, on their own land, and if we hadn't been here they would all be dead and those men would have kept right on killing till somebody stopped them."

"And we're the ones who have to stop them?"

Buck breathed a laugh. "Somebody's got to. It's not the best job, but somebody has to do it and there are too many people who aren't willing to fight for what's right."

JD thought about what Buck's words. He was right about people being unwilling to fight. The very day JD had come into town a handful of men tried to kill Nathan, and no one had lifted a finger to try and stopped it. Only Chris and Vin had been willing to do anything. If it hadn't been for them, Nathan would most likely be dead, murdered for no reason. As he sat there things slowly began to fall into place in his mind. He didn't of Chris and Vin as killers, none of them were killers, they were just men doing what had to be done, doing what no one else wanted to do. And that's what he was, a man doing what no one else was willing to do. Buck was right, they were doing the right thing. They were doing the kind of thing Mama would be proud of. Still, that's man's eyes refused to fade from his memory. "I just didn't expect it to be like this. I didn't think…" He trailed off, unsure of how to put his feeling into words.

Buck smiled slightly. No, it was never the way you thought it was going to be. "I know. I told you, we've all been there. I'd be worried if you didn't feel like this because that feeling, that's what gonna keep you human. Don't try to forget it all; just don't let it take over." Buck paused. "I killed today, JD, but the day I say that without feeling any remorse at all, is the day I become just like the colonel. And I hope that day never comes."

The guilt that had been gnawing at JD for hours had at least eased just a bit. "Thanks, Buck."

"Anytime." There was nothing he could do or say that would magically take all the fear, guilt, and uncertainty JD was feeling away but hopefully he'd been able to help him some. Buck stood and turned to go back to camp when JD stopped him.

"Hey, Buck?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I got what it takes to make it out here?"

Buck smiled and slapped JD on the shoulder again. "I think you'll do just fine out here, kid."

JD remained where he was for some time after Buck left but when he did go back to camp he was able to fall, almost immediately, into a peaceful sleep.

**A/N: I know it's been a while since I've updated anything and I apologize, I'm kind of in a rut. Not writer's block exactly as I have plenty of ideas, I'm just having a hard time getting the chapters I need to write to take shape but I will have them up soon...hopefully. But this was an idea I had that I wanted to get out. JD's attitude seems to change quite a bit between the first and second fights at the Seminole village and I couldn't help but wonder what happened to cause that. Plus, now that I've started on Buck's story I wanted to write for him some more. Thanks for reading, reviews are appreciated. **


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